Colon cancer picture

Dear Francine and Robert:

Until last month, Dad has been very healthy, living in Florida since our mother died eight years ago.

A few years ago he formed a "friendship" with Roz, a slightly younger widow who has an apartment in the same complex as he does. Neither one talks to us about the nature of their relationship, but they spend most of their time together. Dad refers to her simply as his "friend," but likes us to include her when we visit and take him places down there.

Now that he's diagnosed with angina and needs more care, we're worried about day living so far away.

We don't want him in Roz's care if she is going to bolt the first time Dad needs more than a little help. If they were married, we'd be more sure of Roz. But since they aren't, we're apprehensive.

How should we handle this?

Signed, She May Not Be The One

Dear She May Not Be The One:

Don't be so quick to make assumptions in this very delicate situation. After the death of a spouse, many aging parents form very close attachments with new partners. A surprising number of these couples are reluctant to marry, and shield the depth of the new relationship from their adult children.

While your father has led you to think of Roz as only his "friend," there are clues to romantic feelings between them. If they are a couple, you will have to include your father's emotional well being, along with his physical well being, in your upcoming decisions. Let's face it: He has a right to expect you to appreciate and respect what Roz means to him, whatever that may be.

We suggest that you cannot possibly handle this situation as well as you want to from two thousand miles away. You need someone "on the ground" to see how things stand. One of you should spend several days or a week in Florida, talking not only to Dad and Roz, but to their friends and neighbors. We suspect you will come away with a far more accurate picture of their relationship, and how Roz will react if and when your father needs more care.

You'll also begin to sense what your father will feel, and how intensely he'll feel it, if you try to separate the two of them.

It's particularly important that at least one of you develops a relationship with Roz, and maintains close communications with her. This is the only way to get the facts and have an influence on her as things between them evolve, regardless of what direction they may go.

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Dear Francine and Robert:

Two years ago, my aging mother was diagnosed with colon cancer. Treatment went well, and she has retained her energy, her positive attitude, and her zest for life.

Yet she cries to me now and again because she feels her long-term friends have deserted her.

Of course they deny it. But the five women who seemed inseparable a few years ago now can't find time for lunch together more often than once a month.

What is up with this? What can she do to bring back her friends?

Signed, Long Gone Pals

Dear Long Gone Pals:

Cancer is not contagious, and millions of cancer patients enjoy full lives for many years after diagnosis and treatment. Yet a great many people seem to fear "the big C", and shy away from spending their time with friends or family who have been diagnosed with it.

So there's a good chance your mother's "closest" friends will never again be anything more than her acquaintances. There's very little your family or your mother can do to change this lamentable aspect of human behavior. But to try and compensate for the loss of these "close" friends, your mother definitely can change herself and how she behaves.

First, she should look for new opportunities to enjoy her interests, hobbies, and favorite activities. Until recently, she was probably with her former friends for most of the activities she enjoyed. With those people now spending less time with her, she should begin making a stronger effort to stay with those enjoyable activities, and even add new ones to her schedule.

Second, in the course of pursuing enjoyable activities - whether new or old - she should be on the lookout for people who may be compatible enough to become new friends. Your mother sounds like an active, happy, and positive person. With such personality traits, she has a good chance of finding people happy to spend their time with her.

If she's afraid of the impact her medical history might have on these new friendships, she can simply keep quiet about it. Her cancer is not visible from the outside, and it's none of their business, really.

The central point here is that your mother need not resign herself to a permanent back seat in life, just because her previous "friends" began to shy away after they learned of her disease. While cancer is a fact of life in America, and it's never a pleasant experience, for most patients it's far from an immediate death sentence.

Your mother must recognize that she has a great deal more living to do, and that she has every hope of finding lively, upbeat, warm, and giving people with whom to live it.

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(c) Copyright 2003 by Francine and Robert Moskowitz

Francine and Robert Moskowitz are the authors of "Parenting Your Aging Parents, How To Protect Their Quality of Life -- And Yours!" This 300 page hardcover book has been widely acclaimed as the classic work in the field since 1991. It is available at bookstores, or directly from Key Publications. The toll-free order line is 800-735-0015. The Web site is: http://www.knowledgetree.com/key.html. The cost is $21.95 plus $3.95 shipping and handling. If you wish, you can ask Francine and Robert Moskowitz your own question for this column by emailing them at: KeyPubs@knowledgetree.com.