Silver wedding certificate holder

Having presents of mind; Etiquette experts offer tips for giving

Graduations, bridal showers and weddings. Every year around this time, your social calendar fills up faster than a basket of potted begonias.

But don't kid yourself - it's more than your mere presence that is expected at the gala events.

"The proper thing to do is to bring a nice gift," said Jeanne Comeau, director of the Protocal School of Boston, a company that provides etiquette training for businesses and individuals.

But what is considered a nice gift? How much should one cost?

The questions begin to swirl as soon as the invitation is pulled from the mailbox. And understandably so: Manners mavens say your gift reveals a lot about you and what you think of the guest of honor.

"So, it's nice to get it right," said Comeau.

For many givers, getting it right can mean only one thing: cold, hard cash.

"Money is always appropriate," said Dorothea Johnson, who wrote the book on manners and trains etiquette consultants nationwide.

Johnson said the amount of money given as a gift should reflect your relationship with the recipient. Twenty-five dollars is sufficient for friends and relatives who are not very close. Those who are dearest to you should receive "as much as you can afford to give," she said.

But what if you don't even recognize the name on the invitation when it arrives at your door? Are you still obligated to give cash or any other gift?

"Absolutely not," Johnson said. "A gracious note congratulating the person is sufficient."

There are no hard and fast rules or limits to gift giving, the etiquette police say ("give only what you can afford to give" is an often repeated credo). But they all agree there are a few guidelines that gift givers should consider before pulling out the credit card.

The most important of all the guidelines, they say, is the fine art of catering your gift to your relationship with the recipient.

"I'm not going to give my sister the same wedding present I buy for my second cousin twice removed who I met when I was 5," said Jodi R.R. Smith, owner of Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting in Boston.

Comeau said gifts given to close friends and relatives should reflect their personal tastes and preferences. After all, the point of a gift is to give the recipients something "they will love, not something that reflects your likes or dislikes," she noted.

"You can always give a personal gift, but sometimes it requires a little investigation," said Johnson.

When you are not close enough to the recipient to know his or her personal taste or style, Johnson suggests calling the guest of honor's parents, siblings or significant other to get an idea for a gift.

Thankfully, the increasingly popular gift registries have made choosing the perfect gift - even if you don't know the recipient - a risk-free venture.

Etiquette experts agree it's always appropriate to buy a gift that a guest of honor has included on the registry. Most registries include items to fit almost any budget.

"You don't have to buy the most expensive item on the list."

Or any item on the list, for that matter.

According to Johnson, a registry is a list of suggestions, nothing more.

"If there's something else you want to give, by all means, go ahead and give that instead," she said.

Smith admits she often bypasses the registry and instead gives her signature gift - something from Tiffany's.

"Every bride and groom or graduate should get to open a Tiffany's box," she said, adding the pricey store does offer some affordable items such as silver stud earrings and crystal bowls, which cost around $60.

"The best part is watching their face light up when they see the beautiful Tiffany's box."

The right stuff

Graduation

- A year's subscription to an industry magazine that complements the graduate's profession.

- Leather business-card holder.

- Book on a topic that you know the recipient is interested in.

- Cash (etiquette experts disagree on whether cash is an appropriate gift. Sure, everyone can use it, but some say it's too impersonal).

- Gift certificate (American Express gift certificates are best because of their versatility).

- A night out (take the graduate out for dinner at a nice restaurant)

Bridal showers and weddings

- Stationery embossed with the couple's names.

- Cash (most appropriate as a gift given from grandparents to grandchildren).

- Art.

- Lilac bush.

- Sexy lingerie (most appropriate when given from a very close friend of the bride).

- Anything from the couple's gift registry (cater the cost of the gift to your relationship with the recipient).

Caption: THAT'S A WRAP: Jeanne Comeau, an etiquette consultant in Boston, suggests gifts be tailored to the tastes of the recipient. Staff photo by Mike Adaskaveg