Spider man computer game

Spider-Man 2

Remember back in the old days, like last month, when we complained that we didn’t want to play ports of console games? Well, we take that back. If the original PC games are going to be as bad as this one, then please, give us the ports instead. Because this game just feels like an insult. Or maybe a practical joke.

To coincide with the Spider-Man 2 movie, Activision has simultaneously published two Spider-Man 2 games: one for the consoles and one for PC. The console game is a big-budget, smartly designed action-adventure with GTA-style openness and freedom. The PC version, though cleverly (or, some might say, deceptively) packaged in a nearly identical box, is actually a totally different game, from a different developer. Why? Because those who would play a Spider-Man game on the PC, in Activision’s mushroom-fueled world view, must be little kids. So what we have here is a kiddie version of Spider-Man 2, with dumbed-down controls and simplified gameplay.

Not that there’s anything wrong with kids’ games. Some of us have kids. Some of us still are kids. But a kids’ game that sucks? A kids’ game that takes, at best, six hours to finish? That just makes us mad.

Spider Bites

You know you’re in for a bad time right away, since the game opens with a spectacularly slapdash, poorly rendered cut-scene that essentially begins in midscene and then ends in midscene, as if they forgot to finish it or maybe didn’t care. It’s also from a point about an hour into the movie, with none of the characters introduced or explained—so unless you’ve seen the film, you won’t have any clue what’s going on.

Anyway, it doesn’t really matter, because you are immediately transported away to an unrelated tutorial area, where the basic controls are snarkily explained by Bruce Campbell, who, even for him, is seriously slumming here. Not that you’ll need a tutorial. Can you click your mouse buttons? Congratulations: You are now a PC Spider-Man 2 expert.

Unlike the console game, which features a robust set of upgradeable combat and web-slinging moves, the PC version offers only rudimentary controls from start to finish. Combat is limited to a punch and a jump kick, with a couple of basic long-range web attacks. All of which is more than enough for the game’s brain-dead enemies, none of whom pose any challenge whatsoever. Webslinging, so awesome on the consoles, has been stripped bare here: You can swing only to designated targets onscreen.

The game’s few levels, before it’s all mercifully over, offer a listless assortment of easy combat and easy jumping puzzles, as well as a few easy boss battles with random Spider-Man villains that have nothing to do with the movie, including the ever-popular Puma, who appears to have been watching lots of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

My “favorite” boss battle, however, was with Mysterio, because I got to throw rocks at him. And, you know, that’s what I always dreamed of doing as Spider-Man, ever since I was a little boy. Throwing rocks at bad guys.

Are we done here?

Verdict * 1/2

The consoles get the cool Spider-Man game. We get the lame kids’ version.

PUBLISHER: Activision DEVELOPER: Fizz Factor/Amaze Entertainment GENRE: Action-Adventure ESRB RATING: E REQUIRED: Pentium III 600MHz, 128MB RAM, 827MB install, 16MB videocard RECOMMENDED: None MULTIPLAYER: None