Doctoral degree life experience

This is a story of life rejected, of research rejected, and of homophobia manifest in the high reaches of the Roman Catholic church, It is a distressing story, one I tell here in CNT as a way of claiming visibility for myself, and visibility for the ongoing life and struggle of all lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, and transgendered persons.

My story begins in New Zealand, where I was born. In 1998, at a ministerial juncture in my life, I heard about the Doctor of Ministry program at the Toronto School of Theology. I decided to come to Canada and study towards this degree, and over the five years of study at the Toronto School of Theology (TST), I found the D. Min programme enlarging and enriching, a process of transformation.

A year into my studies, in July, 1999, I learned that the Vatican had ordered U.S.-based Sister Jeannine Gramick and Fr. Robert Nugent to end their thirty-year ministry with lesbian and gay persons. The pronouncement said that their work was contrary to the teachings of the Roman Catholic church; that while homosexual persons deserve the same concern and rights as any other human being, and compassion must be shown toward them, homosexuality is a disorder and homosexual activity is sinful.

This stark Vatican decree for Gramick and Nugent had a two-fold effect on me: I was shaken to the core of my person, and my feminist sensibilities awakened at new depths as I considered the injustice of the Vatican decision. After prayer and discernment, I resolved to become more fully involved in ministry with the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered community, and to make the view from this perspective a focus for my doctoral research.

My research invited lesbians to give voice to their discoveries and issues as they engaged in their journey toward wholeness. These discoveries were put in conversation with selected texts in theology, feminist theory, and gay-lesbian theory. Through this participatory research and examination of theory, helpful themes and insights emerged for the practice of spiritual direction.

The title of my thesis was "Listening for the Echo: Contributions of Lesbians' Journeys to Spiritual Direction and Theological Reflection." It came from a comment a research participant had made--'I listen for the echo', as she sought to see her life reflected in the society around her. Lesbians can "hear" their lives and gain strength for living in a society, which marginalizes, silences and renders them invisible. I am keenly aware of the pain, violence, and struggle that are involved in being lesbian. To deepen one's spiritual life in this context is to affirm the struggle for justice as God's yearning for justice, where struggle becomes a name for hope and hope is testimony to the divine spirit.

As a woman religious, I have taken the Vatican II documents seriously. Over the years I have wholeheartedly joined in the church's mission to "champion the dignity of the human person," and to work toward "social and cultural transformation." But I have come to realize that the Vatican has seriously reneged on its commitment to the reforms of Vatican II. One of those ways is in the realm of sexuality; many documents denigrate the lives of persons who are sexually oriented toward those of the same gender.

When the church teaches that there is something seriously wrong with gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered persons at the root of their being, and I weigh that statement against the Gospel imperative of Jesus that every person is unique, irreplaceable and literally sought out by the Divine, then I must name this assertion as erroneous.

Lesbians are moving beyond such oppressions, and claiming a deep belief in their own sacredness and capacity to image the divine. As Nancy Dallavalle wrote in 1998, they know that "to be lesbian is not to belong to a subgroup that is deviantly female; rather being lesbian broadens the palette of what 'female, made in the image of God' signifies." I have seen the pastoral responses of many well-meaning church leaders which have been oppressive rather than liberative. They range from reconciliation rites, and letters of admonition reminding the lesbian that her orientation is inclined toward intrinsic evil, to cautions of maintaining silence. But I have also seen cases of women whose identity as lesbian has been received as gift and contributed to their full flourishing as persons. Sadly, my experience of this latter practice has been an exception.

As a spiritual director, I see it as a critical part of my ministry to enable lesbian voices to be heard. The stronger we are in our identities the more we are able to be agents of our meaning-making. As we refuse the role of victim and enter into our own personal, social and cultural healing, we discover deeper resources for resistance and justice.

I successfully defended my work on April 17, 2003, at TST to a room full of interested and supportive persons. The examiners praised the high quality of my scholarly research, and quite remarkably, I had no revisions to make.

Convocation was held November 1, 2003, at St. Basil's Church, where Cardinal Aloysius Ambrozic, Chancellor of the University of St Michael's College conferred the degrees on those candidates presented to him. I had moved to Edmonton and could not afford to be in Toronto. However, I understand that in the weeks previous to the Convocation, the printed programme of the ceremony was given to Cardinal Ambrozic, who subsequently announced that he refused to confer my degree at the Convocation ceremony. Fortunately, since the Doctor of Ministry is a conjoint degree with the University of Toronto, the Chancellor of the University of Toronto, the Honourable Vivienne Poy conferred my degree. New programmes were printed.

I regret not being present. I might have brought an embodied presence to my name and the title of my thesis. Moreover, it would have provided an occasion to meet Cardinal Ambrozic and perhaps create a bridge of connection.

I did not hear about this incident from the official channels of the University of St. Michael's College by call, letter or email. Since the incident was about me and my work, this is both disrespectful and troubling. A message explaining the controversy and inviting my response would have been welcome.

When I undertook to explore aspects of lesbian spirituality, I was aware that I would probably not be hired to work for a Catholic institution. Yet I have an excellent record in teaching, spiritual direction, initial formation and pastoral ministry. These are my gifts, recognized and utilized over 25 years of experience in religious life. Cardinal Ambrozic has never met me, and I doubt that he has read my work. His indiscriminate action is irresponsible--a grave misuse of power, which tarnishes the mission and credibility of the church. Such actions fuel homophobic hatred and violence toward lesbians and their gay, bisexual and transgendered brothers and sisters, and further typecast them as "wrong," "deviant" and "abnormal."

Cardinal Ambrozic's action compromised the principle of academic freedom, without which the integrity of Catholic intellectual endeavours becomes lifeless and irrelevant. Furthermore, his position is theologically untenable. Assuming Cardinal Ambrozic refused to confer the degree because my work had to do with the contributions of lesbians' lives with God to the practice of spiritual direction, his action presumes to negate the spirit of God at work in these women's lives.

I believe that we need a new vision of reality, where our differences come together to create a web of connection, and where the goat is the full flourishing of every person. Theologian Mary Hunt has said that the measure of our call to love is shown by our capacity to embrace pluralism. This does not mean that we abandon our identities, but we bring them in their uniqueness to the table of diversity. Then persons can grow into their full capacities as moral agents, and we can live our solidarity with one another across barriers of sexual orientation, race, class and gender.

Personally, the incident has left me feeling shaken and vulnerable. It has also called me to deeper reserves of courage and strength. In this process, I take heart from poet Audre Lorde's words: "When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid."

Living by these words is not easy but that is the manner in which I choose to live. Lesbians committed to their lives with God will not forgo the struggle. God's promise of life to the full is for all.

Christina Cathro, a member of the Sisters of our Lady of the Missions, lives and works in Edmonton.